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Sexual abuse is defined as the involvement of dependent, sexually immature children or adolescents in sexual practices -
* that they either do not fully comprehend
* to which they are unable to give informed consent, or
* that violate the social taboos of family roles and/or the laws of the community.
This definition includes such things as -
*incest in all its forms
*involvement with underage prostitutes (in any country), or
*any other kind of sexual involvement with any child.
An important part of the definition is "do not fully comprehend, or are unable to give informed consent". This means that children do not know enough about the consequences of sexual acts to be really able to choose to be sexually involved. For example, a child is offered a reward to perform a sexual act. All the child knows is that if he or she does this thing they will get a reward. What the child does not know is that they may get a disease, or that they may be forced to do the same thing again and again, or that they are being taught to prostitute themselves.
What To Do If You Were Abused
(L Bays & R Freeman-Longo)
What Is Abuse?
Abuse is a major problem in our society, and it comes in many forms. For the purposes of this program, abuse means acts or behaviours (including neglect) which result in physical, mental, or emotional harm. This definition includes unlawful sexual acts which may result in temporary or permanent emotional, psychological, or physical scarring. The most common forms of childhood abuse include beating and torture (physical abuse), overworking children (physical and emotional abuse), not providing adequate medical care, food or clothing (neglect), constant criticism or mental torture (mental abuse), improper exposure to sex either through sexual activity or by showing children sexual material (sexual abuse), and over disciplining children (physical, emotional, mental abuse). All of these are simple examples of how children are abused.
Childhood abuse is violence towards children, It is often far worse than the street violence that one reads about in the paper. It is commonly secret, lasts for years, and affects the most defenceless part of our entire society. Abuse is a major problem in our society because the effects of abuse are very long lasting and recovery is very hard. If you were abused, this handout will focus on some of the initial steps you can take to begin your recovery from your childhood abuse.
Sexual offenders often were abused as children. Of the clients who volunteer for treatment at state prisons in the United States, as many as 80% have been victims of sexual abuse and 95% have experienced one or more of the types of abuse mentioned above. Most of these people were reluctant to speak about their abuse for fear of not being believed, being made fun of, being viewed as weak or unmanly, and/or being rejected by others as a result of such disclosures.
Often, it was not until they entered therapy and began to hear others telling about their histories of abuse that they started to understand the importance of acknowledging their abuse and began to speak about it.
Childhood abuse did not make you become a sexual offender. As you learn about childhood abuse, you will be tempted to blame your abuser for your current problems. Abuse in your background is only one of the many factors that has influenced you in making the choices that led to your becoming the person you are today. However, childhood abuse is an important area for you to understand. Abuse creates long-term problems. You will have to overcome these in order to lead a healthy life. You can use the information and assignments in this program to help identify how you were affected by abuse. When you understand these effects, you will have a better understanding of the problems you need to solve. Discovering this information about yourself will help you to understand how your crime may have affected your victim.
At some time, all victims of abuse have similar feelings and reactions. The pain, hurt and frustration that you have experienced are common to the majority of abuse victims. Your goal in recovery is to become a survivor who no longer allows past abuse experiences to control your present life.
The first step in recovery is to acknowledge that what you experienced really happened. The second step is to learn to talk about your abuse and express your feelings to appropriate people. These two steps describe a simple way that you can face your abuse and at the same time learn that you are not alone.
Talking about your abuse is a very important part of treatment. Like recovery from sexual deviancy, you will not recover from your abuse if you hide and ignore it.
Talking openly with sympathetic therapists and friends will make it easier for you to identify the effects that abuse has had on you. Speaking about your abuse will bring to mind more details. As you speak, you may also experience painful and disturbing emotions, feelings, and memories. If these emotions occur, keep sharing by telling people you trust how you feel. Sharing feelings, memories, frustration and pain with these people is one of the steps of your recovery. Sharing will not make distressing feelings disappear, but sharing might make them easier to bear.
Writing out the history of your abuse and your reactions to it is a useful exercise. It allows you to see more clearly what may or may not have happened in the past. But it is not as effective a way of working as having someone you can share with. A trusted person can give you feedback, understanding, or ask pointed questions that can help you view your life more honestly. If you are working alone, it is useful to save your written work. Later, you can use it as a reminder when you have the opportunity to talk to someone.
Remembering the details of your history of abuse is an important step. If you don't know what the problem is you can't solve it. To begin to solve the problems left from your childhood abuse, you must first remember the details of the abuse. Think about the feelings you have about the abuse. Recall any decisions that you made at the time. This sounds easy but is actually very hard. You probably have forgotten, repressed, or distorted much of your childhood. To remember accurate pictures what occurred and how you felt is a slow process. Finding the truth about your abuse will require all your skills of remembering thinking, analysing, writing, and talking to get it into perspective. Even after you have worked long and hard on your past, expect to occasionally be surprised by new memories.
As you remember your childhood, try to think of all the ways that you were abused. An example of the most common form of childhood abuse that many men overlook is secondary abuse, your parents?use of mind-altering substances may not look like abuse until you think about it.
Parents or guardians who spend too much of the family money on drugs or alcohol, often leave their families deprived of food, medical care, clothes, and even shelter. (This is neglect and is a form of abuse).
Many alcoholic or addicted parents lose control of their anger or frustration and hit, beat, or severely punish their families. (This is often physical or emotional abuse). It is not unusual for a parent to be drunk or on drugs when they sexually molest one of their children. At the very least, an alcoholic or addicted parent is often a poor role model, may be neglectful, and have poor parenting skills. These parents frequently lack consistency in their guidance and may play mind games with their children, a form of mental abuse. Substance abuse can clearly be an instrument of childhood abuse. Consider Fred's experience:
Fred's mother was an alcoholic. She was often drunk and left the care of his two younger brothers and sisters to Fred. Though Fred was only a ten year old and inexperienced, she would beat him if he made a mistake. In much of Fred's life he was afraid to try anything new for fear of making a mistake and being punished.
As you go through your history consider the part that alcohol, drugs, mental illness, gambling, sex, anger, or so-called religious practices may have had in your abuse. As you remember your abuse, don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed with rage. Occasionally, men want to get even as they remember their past abuse. Be patient. Look at how you are feeling at the time of the abuse. What did you do with the feelings in the past? Be sure to remember negative, socially deviant ways that you may have acted as a teenager or adult. It is common for you as a sexual offender to remember the details of how badly you were abused by your parents, but to forget the details of how you have abused your parents, wife or children. Keeping in mind the extent of your own failure often is an aid to learning forgiveness for others.
The next step in your recovery is to consider the effects that the abuse may have had on you. In essence, some of the major effects of abuse are that it erodes trust, creates fear, destroys discipline, demolishes self-esteem, and creates selfish thinking because the abused person thinks that they must survive by looking out for Number 1. Alcoholism and drug addiction again provide very common examples to show the effects of abuse. These addictions often result in dysfunctional families, personal degradation, and general failure. If you were brought up in an alcoholic home (or suffered other abuse) you may have been affected in the following ways:
1. Because you have low self-esteem, you may be an overly serious person who finds it difficult to have fun. You take everything too seriously.
2. Because of low self-esteem you think that you can never do a good job. Therefore, you may have a difficult time following through on projects or other ambitions.
3. Because you have little trust, you may be very hard on yourself. You may judge yourself harshly and not allow the time, patience, or flexibility that you need to succeed.
4. Because of low self-esteem, you may find yourself wondering if you are normal or not. At the very least, you may see yourself as different from others and use this as an excuse to act differently.
5. Because you are selfish, you may lie to get what you want. You may begin to believe your own lies. You may or may not be able to keep up with the lies that you tell.
6. Because you are suspicious, you may have a difficult time forming close relationships with others, especially with people of the opposite sex.
7. Because of suspicion and lack of confidence, you may experience a variety of sexual problems.
8. Because you are suspicious, you may have problems trusting others.
9. Because you are suspicious and lack confidence, you may find yourself feeling unsafe or vulnerable around others.
10. Because you lack confidence, you may find yourself constantly seeking approval and acceptance from others.
11. Because you are selfish and suspicious, you may find yourself angry much of the time and over-react to situations and events.
12. Because you are selfish, you may find that you are irresponsible in most, if not all, areas of your life.
13. Because your role models used drugs or alcohol, you may find that you too resort to the use of drugs and alcohol. You use them in an attempt to cope with everyday life stress.
14. Because you lack discipline, you may find that you are either compulsive, impulsive, or both.
15. Because you lack discipline and are selfish, you may frequently feel confused and frustrated.
16. Because you are suspicious and lack self-esteem, you may be a loner who withdraws from others frequently.
17. Because you are selfish and undisciplined, you may find that you do not responsibly manage your financial affairs.
18. Because of your lack of trust and confidence, you may discover that you seek out destructive relationships with others. Your relationships may be based on dependency or other unhealthy attractions.
19. Because of selfishness and suspicion, you may be incapable of loving others.
20. Because of your selfishness and lack of self-esteem, you may take unfair advantage of others and become abusive.
21. Because of your lack of confidence, trust and discipline, you may be a shallow and immature individual.
22. Because of your suspicion and selfishness, you may find yourself constantly in conflict.
23. Because of all of the above, you may feel like you are out of control of your life. You feel helpless and, at times, may even feel as if you are going insane.
These long-term effects of an alcoholic or drug-abusing family, are similar to the effects of other forms of abuse and neglect. If there was sexual abuse, then these effects may have been even more severe. These are just a few of the many effects of abuse. If you were raised in a dysfunctional family, you have experienced many of these effects. You may have experienced other more horrible results that you attribute to the effects of your abuse.
Part of dealing with abuse is learning to accept that it happened. The above list may be helpful to you in understanding some of the issues in your life that you may have as a result of your abuse. Understanding what the issues and problems are, is an important step toward resolving them. You can heal yourself from the effects of an abusive past, many people do. But you must choose to work at it.
As you learn more about abuse, you may discover that you have been denying how it has affected your life. Denial is a relatively common experience among victims of abuse. Denial means to pretend that something did not happen or did not affect you.
It is usually the first way people react to abuse (and other forms of violence, too). If you do it often enough, denial can later become a way of life. Denial is often a way of hiding feelings and thoughts that are very painful to recall. Consider John's case:
John was abused. His father sexually molested him for five years. Part of the time when his father was fondling him, John enjoyed it. The sexuality felt good. But afterwards, he felt disgusted and hated it. He hated himself because he was participating over and over again in what he regarded as a degrading situation. Because he was a child, he was unable to stop his adult uncle when he also began molesting him. John felt powerless about his life. He feared that he would become a homosexual as a result of his abuse. Finally, John ran away from home to get away from the abuse. He decided that no one was ever going to make him look bad or weak again. He began to fight if anyone put him down. He left jobs if he wasn't given what he thought he deserved. He tried to overpower everyone who came into contact with him. All the while he would say to himself: I'm tough. No one has ever taken advantage of me. When he was finally arrested and was forced to admit that he had big problems, he reluctantly came to therapy. At first he denied the possibility that he had ever been weak or not in charge of his life. Later he began to admit that for years he had been a powerless victim while he was abused. Still later, he realised that all his life he had been trying desperately to be powerful and in control so he would not be revictimised. Only when his denial broke down could he talk about his abuse. He then began to learn healthy and appropriate ways not to be victimised.
John later learned that, like many other victims, he had built an emotional wall around himself. He realised that he did it to keep distant from others so he would not experience more emotional pain or disappointment then he already had. This wall or shield is often referred to as emotional insulation. If you have been abused, you probably have a lot of insulation that keeps you isolated. It will take work to get free of it.
Remembering details, sharing them with friends and people you trust, and having the courage to do some hard work are some of the requirements for freeing yourself from the effects of abuse.
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