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EXTRACT FROM "OUT OF THE SHADOWS"
(Patrick Carnes)
For sexual addicts an addictive experience progresses through a four-step cycle that intensifies with each repetition:
1. Preoccupation - the trance or mood wherein the addict's mind is completely engrossed with thoughts of sex. This mental state creates an obsessive search for sexual stimulation.
2. Ritualisation - the addict's own special routines which lead up to the sexual behaviour. The ritual intensifies the preoccupation, adding sexual arousal and excitement.
3. Compulsive sexual behaviour - the actual sexual act, which is the end goal of the preoccupation and ritualisation. Sexual addicts are unable to control or stop this behaviour.
4. Despair - the feeling of utter hopelessness addicts have about their behaviour and their powerlessness.
Sexual addicts are hostages of their own preoccupation. Every passerby, every relationship, and every introduction to someone passes through the sexually obsessive filter. More than merely noticing sexually attractive people, there is a quality of desperation that interferes with work, relaxation, and even sleep. A walk through a crowded downtown area is translated into a veritable shopping list of possibilities.
The sexual addict's excitement-seeking parallels other types of compulsive/obsessive behaviour. In that sense, there is little difference between the voyeur waiting for hours by a window for ninety seconds of nudity and the compulsive gambler hunching on a long shot. What makes the sexual addict different is that he draws upon human emotions generated by courtship and passion.
Professionals have often wondered why sex offenders use the same modus operandi/method each time, when it only makes apprehension easier. The answer is simple. A ritual helps the trance. Like a yogi in meditation, the addict does not have to stop and think or disrupt his focus. The ritual itself, like preoccupation, can start the rush of excitement.
Addicts often talk about their rituals. The compulsive masturbator and his surroundings, the incestuous father and his elaborate preparations, the exposer's regular routes, the hustler's approach and cruising area all involve complex rituals. The rituals contain a set of well-rehearsed cues that trigger arousal.
The first two phases of the addictive cycle (preoccupation and ritualisation) are not always visible. The addict struggles to present an image of being normal to the outside world. Compulsive sexual behaviour, the third phase of the cycle, however, leaves a trail, despite the protective public image.
Addicts often make commitments to themselves to stop, but these resolves are short-lived. Addicts are powerless over their behaviour - they have lost control over their sexual expression, which is exactly why they are defined as addicts. The failure of their efforts to control their behaviour is a sign of their addiction. Sometimes addicts will set goals - a year, a month, or a week during which they promise themselves they will stop. Whether forever or a shorter time, the addicts betray themselves, buying into the delusion that they are in control of their behaviour. When they fail, yet another indictment of self-control and morality is added to ever-increasing shame.
The despair which the addict experiences after being compulsively sexual is the low phase of the four-step cycle. The let-down combines the sense of failure at not having lived up to resolutions to stop with hopelessness about ever being able to stop. If the behaviour was particularly degrading, humiliating, or risky, the addict's self-pity grows. If the behaviour violated basic personal values or exploited them, the addict experiences self-hatred as well.
Standing in the wings, however, is the ever-ready preoccupation which can pull the addict out of the doldrums. The cycle then becomes self-perpetuating. Each repetition builds upon the previous experiences and solidifies the pattern of the addiction. As the cycle fastens its grip on the addict, the addict's life starts to disintegrate and become unmanageable.
Nowhere is this more clear then in the workplace. Faulty problem-solving and diversion of energy require extra time and effort to hold down the job. Extra long hours at work further the unmanageability at home. Worse, if the addiction is connected with the work environment, the addict's position is even more precarious. Unstructured time, a heavy responsibility for self-direction, and high demands for excellence seem to be common elements in these situations which are easy triggers for addictive behaviours.
One of the worst consequences of the addiction is the addict's isolation. The intensity of the double life relates directly to the distance of the addicts from their friends and family. That is, the more intensely involved in compulsive sexual life the addict becomes, the more alienated they become from their parents, spouses, and children. Without those human connections, the addict paradoxically loses contact with their own self.
All addicts face the same task in recovery: understanding their belief systems and finding alternatives. To disrupt the addictive system, each person must enter a process which replaces faulty beliefs with healthy ones. Such a process needs to parallel the life-giving dynamics of a healthy family and culture. Therefore, the recovery process must be one which:
*builds relationships
*separates the behaviour from the person
*establishes clear guidelines for behaviour
*promotes learning from mistakes
*relieves shame about past behaviour
*allows for amends to be made
*supplies on-going support and affirmation
*creates a positive sense of self
*acknowledges the human need for help and nurturing for both men and women
*is a method for checking reality
*is an on-going exercise in the development of trust
*provides new options for behaviour in relationships
*accepts all family members with their strengths and weaknesses
Note: You can find books on Sex Addiction at your local Library.
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