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Why I Might Want to Deny My Sexual Behaviour Problems
It takes a very brave, strong and hardworking person to face up to a sexual behaviour problem. Most people with a sexual behaviour problem begin by denying some part of the sexual behaviour. Denial is very common. Since it is so common, we should look at why people deny sexual behaviour problems. Here is a list of reasons that offenders came up with when they thought about why they denied their behaviour.
Make a list of your own reasons for wanting to deny the full extent of your sexual behaviour problems. You can use ideas from the list above, but you should also include some reasons that are not on the list.
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Why I Should Tell the Truth About My Sexual BehaviourWhile there are many reasons for denying sexual behaviour problems, there are better reasons for telling the whole truth about your sexual behaviour. Below are some reasons why people with sexual behaviour problems decide to tell the whole truth about their sexual behaviour.
Make a list of your own reasons for wanting to tell the truth about your sexual behaviour problems. You can use ideas from the list above, but you should also try to include some reasons that are not on the list.
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Denial has many forms.
1. The first type of denial is the "I didn't do it" type.
That is, where the offender denies that he committed the crime at all. "I wasn't there at the time" Even when an offender has pleaded guilty in court, he can still deny his offence by saying that he only pleaded guilty 'on advice'.
Also included in this type of denial is the offender who denies his offence on psychological grounds -
* I wouldn't do something like that
* I wouldn't hurt anyone
* I've spent my life helping people
2. The second type of denial is the "Yes, but" type.
* Denies by minimising the extent of the behaviour -
"I only touched him/her -I didn't go all the way"
"Yeah I did it, but not as many times as he/she said"
"It wasn't that serious"
"It didn't go on for as long as he/she said"
"I never used force"
* Denies by not taking responsibility for the behaviour -
"She's very forward"
"She's a flirt"
"I was drunk"
"I was stressed"
"Her mother should have been more careful"
"If my wife had been there it wouldn't have happened"
"He/she gave consent"
* Denies by reducing the seriousness of the behaviour -
"I never hurt her"
"I only took pictures, showed movies, showed books, looked at her"
(This strategy is also using denial by minimisation)
"She's exaggerating, she never cried"
"I never thought about it before it happened - it just happened"
* Denies his problem by refusing treatment/intervention -
"I know I'll never do it again"
"I can control this myself - I don't need help"
"I can put all this behind me. God will help me"
Thinking errors are an integral part of the deviant cycle. They are also called Defence Mechanisms. Defence mechanisms are ways in which people avoid dealing with truth or reality. Common examples of these include -
When you rationalise you make excuses to explain and justify your behaviour, even though you know that what you are doing is wrong. For example: "Every woman likes to be taken", or "I was just educating her about sex."
By shifting the blame for your offending behaviour on to some one else, you avoid responsibility for the offence. It is often common to externalise blame prior to a court appearance. Examples include: "She came on to me, it was her idea ", "My wife said I should teach her daughter about sex", "My uncle did it to me - it's in our family."
Denial is when you refuse to admit the truth about your crimes or the problems you have. Denial is very common among sex offenders. Simply put, denial means you are not admitting the truth. Examples: "I did not rape her - it was consensual sex ", "She is making it up", "I wouldn't do that."
When you minimise your behaviour you try to make it out to be less serious than it really is. You intentionally down-play and under-state the truth about a situation. An example: "I only took her for a ride", or "I only touched her".
Many sex offenders become overly religious after they are caught. Some sex offenders use their religion to avoid being responsible for correcting their behaviour or participating in treatment. They make statements such as, " I am a Christian now and follow God -I don't need this program because He will keep me from offending", "Jesus has forgiven me - therefore I don't have to think about it anymore, it's over."
Sample Defence Mechanisms
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She/he won't realise what I'm doing as she/he is too young |
I need to do this to release my tension/stress |
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She/he likes doing it |
She/he won't remember |
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Nobody will find out |
She/he is better than no-one at all |
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I'll only do it one more time |
It's OK, she/he is my daughter/son |
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She/he wants love and affection |
She/he likes me |
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She/he likes being with me |
We are very close |
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She/he likes the attention |
She/he didn't tell me to stop |
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Someone had to teach her/him about sex |
She/he puts her/his arms around me and sits on my lap |
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She/he wants me to do this |
It makes me feel better |
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I need love and affection too |
I am lonely |
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She/he says "No", but really means "Yes" |
Why else call me to tuck her in and read her a story |
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I deserve to feel good |
No-one will see me |
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I can't stop myself |
I'm drunk when I do it |
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It's more exciting than sex with my wife |
Bad girls should know what to expect |
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She/he looks older than her/his age |
Why else does she sit in my lap |
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I'll only go so far and then I'll stop |
I'm not really hurting anyone |
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I won't do it anymore |
She/he won't tell |
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Why else would she leave her door open |
She hasn't told anyone yet, so she must like it |
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She's not my real daughter |
My wife doesn't love me |
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It's OK while she's asleep |
In most ways I'm a good father |
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If she doesn't want me to, I won't |
I'm just going to look, I won't touch |
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She is a lot like my wife |
She leads me on |
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If not me, it will be someone else |
She/he will get to like it |
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I'm not the first, she's not a virgin |
Others do it |
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Nobody will believe her/him |
Some children like it |
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It happened to me at that age |
I'm just showing affection |
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She comes into our bed |
Just look how she is dressed |
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She has seen naked men before |
She/he is laughing and smiling |
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I am oversexed |
It will get rid of my boredom |
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What I do in my own house/car is my business |
I'll go on a binge, do it a lot, and get it out of my system |
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My sex life is nobody's business |
I'm not using any force |
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Prayer didn't work, so nothing will |
God wants me to do it |
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